Mommy-Of-Three

22 years ago, I was a young lady, 26 years old, gathered with my family and friends, asking God's blessing as I married Jason. 22 years later, we've born and raised 3 kids, suffered a miscarriage, celebrated graduations, weddings, and births for many friends and family members, and have grieved the loss of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, and a parent.   I knew 22 years ago he was a dream come true.  22 years later, I can truly say he has lived up to every imagined billing I gave him all those years ago. While this illness has proven many things to me, Jason's devotion and love for me and for our family has never been more clear.  Our vows included "In sickness and in health..."  He has personified every word of that to me in these past 6 weeks.   Jason has been to every doctor's appointment, every treatment.  He's been my shoulder to cry on, my strength when I needed someone to lift and hold me up.  He's been the steps to guide...

My sister shares songs with me on treatment days that are inspirational and meaningful and usually quite moving.  She knows how to get inside my heart and head and help me feel ready for treatment. I thought maybe I would share some of this good music with you on weekends, just so you can be inspired too.  These are songs that go on my playlist and provide feel good music on days when I need picked up.  They are great for people in many situations, not just mine, so you're welcome to add them to your personal playlist too! So I'm starting with "Strong" by Anne Wilson for my first Weekend Walk-up Song.  I'm calling it a Weekend Walk-Up Song because I'm thinking of it like the music that plays for a baseball player as he walks up to the plate that gets the crowd excited, and in turn gets him pumped up for his at-bat and hopefully gets him ready to hit a home run.  Well, likewise....I'm putting it on the playlist this weekend before my treatment, and hoping i...

Just breathe. Maybe the best advice I've received since this journey started.  I now have a sweet silver ring from my aunt and uncle with this simple phrase on it to remind me daily how much of a difference this can make. These two words have gotten me through several procedures when I couldn't relax, couldn't lie still, couldn't find pain relief; when I felt scared, alone, overwhelmed, lost. When I'm too tired to even hold a conversation, but can't sleep for longer than an hour at a time...just breathe. When sitting up hurts just as much as lying down, and walking seems like an impossible feat...just breathe. When I'm worried about what's to come- the next treatment, the next scans...just breathe. When the side effects of my medications or treatments seem too much...just breathe. When I'm overwhelmed with my health, under powered with energy, and upside-down with emotions...just breathe. Just stop and take some deep cleansing breaths.  Close my eyes...

It was radiation simulation day today.   Radiation "practice", if you will. Today, I met the radiation oncologist at Cleveland Clinic Mercy as well as the staff, and learned how hard it would be to lay on the radiation table. Today, I learned that my bone scan showed areas that were "very bright" meaning tumors that are very active in my spine and my hips, indicating that they will likely respond well to radiation. Today, I cried from laying flat on a cold hard table. Again.  This was CT #5? Today, I got 4 "tattoos" that I didn't want- one on each hip, one below my belly button, and one below my sternum. These will help line me up exactly for radiation.  First radiation appointment is Tuesday afternoon. Today, my pain was better than yesterday. Today, I unloaded and reloaded my dishwasher. Today, I ate macaroni and cheese. And later, half a cheesesteak sandwich. Today, I drank 2 full water bottles. Today, I got 4 cards in the mail from friends I haven...

Treatment #2 was un-dramatic.  After a month of ALLLLL the drama, we love un-dramatic!  The IV went in easily (albeit in the back of my hand, which is quite sensitive).  Surprisingly, I was able to nap during the infusion.  The only side effects I have had is a slight rash on my upper chest, and some itching all over, both treatable with some topical hydrocortisone. Wednesdays after treatment seem to be the toughest.  I'm tired, I'm sore, I'm cranky, I usually have no appetite, and everything hurts.  That's today.  I'm not gonna sugar coat it... today has been rough.  The back pain has been triggered all day and a little misunderstanding after some med changes by palliative care had me managing the pain with the wrong meds. Thankfully a quick call to Dr. Donaghan's nurse and everything is cleared up and the back pain feels a little better now. When I was in the depths of pain hell earlier today, I asked "Why me?"   Why me to go through t...

I took a couple of days off from blogging.  I've been bouncing between two very different extremes here- extremely tired or extremely busy. Extremely tired and completely snoozed on the couch or in bed.  In fact, you would have found me in bed at 6:30pm on Wednesday night.  That's early, even for a girl who loves her horizontal time.  Simply didn't feel like moving.  I was a completely empty tank, refuel light flashing for the past 50 miles, and not a gas station in sight.  Bathroom break? Overwhelmiing. Sitting up to sip some water? Oh heck no. Brush my hair? Nah. How about some lotion? Hard pass.  I had little appetite, was eating mostly popsicles (Thank you Costco for my melon, mango, and coconut popsicles!!), and had little interest in doing anything other than napping. To the opposite extreme- extremely busy.  The past two days have been a whirlwind of activity that I have been more than excited to be a part of!  Before my diagnosis, I s...

First of all, thank you everyone for your thoughts, prayers, kind words, encouragement, messages, cards, and just general niceties yesterday.  I had so much nerves and anxiety starting treatment, and to know how many people were thinking of little ole' me and supporting me from near and far certainly made me feel loved and lifted up. The side effects have been minimal from my first treatment.  Today I've been overall a little more achy and tired, and have a little headache.  We had to be at Mercy early this AM for my contrast injection and then return later for a bone scan, so my morning started early, involved a nap, and then a lazy afternoon.  Not a lot of "giddy-up" in me today, and much of my day has been spent on my couch and in my bed with my heating pad. I"m not writing much today.  Much like my body, my mind is tired and ready for bed.  I believe Kennedy is bringing me an orange creamsicle milkshake as a bedtime snack, so it's a shower and self-care...

8:08 am: Today's the day.  Treatment #1.  I'm awake, morning routine ongoing, which consists of breakfast (peanut butter toast on oatnut bread), internet catch-up, and a little walk around the house.  Today's surprise (Sydney actually showed my last night but I saw first hand today) is the beautiful sunflowers blooming in Sydney's raised bed gardens. I went to bed last night feeling like it was Christmas Eve.  I was excited to finally be starting the active phase of treatment, moving past the evaluation and preparation phase.  But I'd be lying if I were to say I woke up with a "Let's get this party started!" gung-ho attitude about starting treatment today.  I woke up with a lot of anxiety and nervousness.   As someone who thrives in facts and figures, numbers and data, I know that the combination of medications they have planned for me is very powerful and has shown promising results.  I know that I am being cared for by world-class oncologis...

Today I baked a cake and decorated it with marshmallow fondant. It's the first time I tried decorating a cake with fondant. It wasn't easy. In fact, A lot of things aren't easy right now.  The physical challenge of being on my feet in the kitchen.  The reaching for ingredients and cooking supplies from the cupboards and shelves.  Rolling the fondant out on the countertop.   But it was worth it. It was worth it because Kennedy has wanted a cake with fondant icing since her 10th birthday. It was worth it because I love the challenge of learning new things. It was worth it because all the new things in my life lately have been fraught with fear and trepidation, and this was a new thing that was creative, fun and challenging. It was worth it because I spent 2 hours concentrating on non-medical activities.   The "finished" cake is far from finished in any cake decorator's opinion. It has no fancy characters, flowers, words, or decorations.   There...

Twenty one years ago, I was two weeks past my due date with a doctor's appointment looming where we would schedule an induction. Twenty one years ago, I finished 18 holes of golf at Lion's Den Golf Course in the hot July 4th sunshine.  I would tell you Jason drove the cart over every hill and bump on the course trying to shake me into labor.  He would tell you I exaggerate. One of us was right. Twenty one years ago, we ate a delicious meal of BBQ ribs at Friday's restuarant.  Jason would tell you dinner was at Chi-Chi's that night.  One of us was right. Twenty one years ago, I went to bed and couldn't get comfortable.  I would call it restlessness.  The OB would call it contractions.  One of us was right.  Twenty one years ago, after 10 hours of labor, we were holding our newborn baby girl.  I said she was beautiful. Jason said she was perfect.  We were both right. Twenty one years ago I could only begin to imagine all the ways Kennedy w...

Happy 4th of July!  As a day when we celebrate our freedom and independence, I'm declaring today a day of freedom and independence on my blog.....Freedom and Independence from medical updates.  A non-medical post today!   Today's post is a walk down memory lane of some of my favorite pictures from past Independence Days.  We usually spend the day with family and friends, food, and fireworks at the lake. Some of my favorite times on the lake are these days and nights. Packing up the snack totes and drink coolers and loading everyone on the boat for trip out to the sandbar. Finding friends to tie up with. All the smiles. All the giggles. All the time with family- grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles. And even though the kids have grown up, they still want to go out on the lake for fireworks.  I hope this is something they will still want to do when they have babies of their own. BTW, if you get a minute, make sure to wish my better half a Happy Birthday today...