Why (not) Me?


Treatment #2 was un-dramatic.  After a month of ALLLLL the drama, we love un-dramatic!  The IV went in easily (albeit in the back of my hand, which is quite sensitive).  Surprisingly, I was able to nap during the infusion.  The only side effects I have had is a slight rash on my upper chest, and some itching all over, both treatable with some topical hydrocortisone.

Wednesdays after treatment seem to be the toughest.  I'm tired, I'm sore, I'm cranky, I usually have no appetite, and everything hurts.  That's today.  I'm not gonna sugar coat it... today has been rough.  The back pain has been triggered all day and a little misunderstanding after some med changes by palliative care had me managing the pain with the wrong meds. Thankfully a quick call to Dr. Donaghan's nurse and everything is cleared up and the back pain feels a little better now.

When I was in the depths of pain hell earlier today, I asked "Why me?"  

Why me to go through this cancer journey?

Why me to have this pain?

Why me to have to get treatments that exhaust me and leave me feeling lifeless and tired and sore and cranky?

And as my pain got better, I realized- "Why not me?"  Sure there are easy answers- I have a family with so much future and promise ahead of them, so much to look forward to - graduations, engagements, weddings, grandbabies.  I have an exciting career that I feel like I contribute positively to, and I have hobbies and interests that keep my mind fresh and excited every day.

But "Why not Me?" to write of my journey in a way that might help someone else.

"Why not Me?" to be the reason someone else speaks up when they have symptoms like me.

"Why not Me?" to show God's strength and healing power.

"Why not Me?" to show God's grace and mercy.

Life isn't always easy.  We all face challenges, some harder than others.  We can't always choose what challenges we face, but we get to choose how we arm ourselves mentally.  I certainly have moments of weakness like today, but thankfully I find my way back to a better mental space where I am equipped to fight this fight.  It's family, friends, church, community, employers, and caretakers that surround me and help me see the positives and all the blessings surrounding me, and I will always be thankful for that.

Tomorrow I meet with a radiation oncologist at Cleveland Clinic Mercy for a consult and appointment where they will do (another) CT scan and mark spots on my back they will do radiation on.  The radiation should help the bone cancer pain.  I'm hopeful that it helps the pain in my lower back to improve my ability to move, as well as sleep better at night.  Please pray that this goes well for me.

Thank you all for your caring messages, continued thoughts, and prayers.

This is day 31.

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