Difficult days.

I've had so many people text, message, send me cards speaking about my positivity during my journey through cancer.  

While it's true that I've tried tremendously to be positive and have a positive mindset during this battle, I can't rightfully post without telling you all about some of the bad stuff too.

I have a week off from infusion treatment every third week, but still have radiation, which is just a quick part of my day.  During my last "week off" of treatment, I had a great week, filled with birthday celebrations, visits from family from both in town and out of town, and capped off with a family reunion.

As all the festivities neared finish and my treatment approached, I found myself with increasing, almost debilitating, anxiety.  I would spend hours crying,  I wanted to be in bed. I wanted to sleep all day. I wanted to cry non-stop.

Jason wanted to help; my parents, my sister, my kids...Everyone wanted to help.  "What can I do? How can I make it better?" 

But truth be told, it was a multitude of things that couldn't be fixed.

I was having some extreme (to me) side effects that included a rash and itching, nausea, change in taste, loss of appetite, and loss of energy, fatigue, aches and pain.  And the thought of starting another round of treatment without answers to these problems put me on edge.

Also, one of my sorority sisters recently was diagnosed with uterine cancer and wrote about it on her facebook about the same time I was diagnosed.  Her cancer was extremely aggressive, and although she was being treated, she just entered hospice early this week and passed away yesterday leaving behind three little boys and a husband who don't deserve to lose a mom and wife as kind and caring as Cristine and honestly, the world doesn't deserve to lose a person like Cristine.

And finally, (something I wasn't sure I was going to talk about on the blog), I began losing my hair in huge handfuls. I'll talk about this more frankly in another post because it deserves its own post, but this is a terrible side effect to me because I love, love, love my hair- going to my monthly hair appointments, styling it.  I twirl it when I'm anxious, I run my hands through it to relax.  It's as much a part of me as my knees, or my feet, or any other body part.  It is depressing and demoralizing to lose something so important to your sense of self, sense of beauty, and sense of being.  

All these things put together had me really "in my feels" going into treatment.  Everyone on my medical team was very kind and listened to my concerns, and supported me.  My oncology team changed a few things in my treatment regimen this week to discern which med was causing my rash, and gave me some medication for anxiety.  The social worker helped move my appointment with the psychologist up a week.  My nurse talked me through treatment and gave me a lot of extra reassurance.

But the best treatment I could have asked for arrived in the form of my sister, who drove 2 hours to sit with me during treatment and hold my hand, talk to me about anything and everything BUT cancer, and just be present.  

I relaxed.  I slept (something I hadn't done well in days). I snacked on some pretzels. 

She held my hand.  She talked to me. She prepared some things for her classroom.  

We talked. We laughed.  We stole a few hours from this ugly diagnosis, and it was great.

It is truly amazing what kind of healing the power of people can provide.  I didn't know that spending a day with my sister would be the best medicine for me that day.  Likewise, spending a few afternoons later in the week with my mom provided even more love and laughter, healing and hugs.  Then a "girls' night in" with Kennedy and Sydney added even more to my therapy this weekend!  And I've continued to receive encouraging cards in the mail, messages, and visits from friends and family, often at a perfect time when I most needed it.  

No matter how deep I dig in my own heart, I'm able to find positivity because of YOU.  It's YOU who keep me energized, YOU who keep my sails filled with wind for the journey ahead.  And I will forever seek you out, ask for your continued thoughts and prayers, and hope that you continue to join alongside me during this journey, even when it's difficult.

This is day 48.